Everytime a year is added in our life, some things change and some things don’t. Some shifts with our effort and some just surprises us when we wake up in the morning.
I took the time to ponder (which I think I haven’t done for quite some time) how my life has been for the past year. It wasn’t that difficult to remember the events. Either nothing much has happened or a lot of things happened but everything’s almost the same. Or probably it’s true what some friends of mine were saying… I somehow have a good memory.
Last year, during my birthday, I wished for nothing else except for strength to endure every burden I was going through. It was the time that things got darker than usual and I tried to convince myself that everything that had happened was just a dream… a very bad dream. But it wasn’t. It was all true. It was all real.
When the month of January came, things started to get clearer. More events occurred that slapped me and shaked me to consciousness. It was the time when it seems like almost every week, I was served with heart-wrenching scenarios and news.
I felt then that what I knew, what I’ve witnessed and what I’ve experienced were enough. I admit, I fell. Then things became hazy. When I gained my consciousness, the sounds were hurting my ears and what I saw was more than what I can manage to take. So I decided to take the risk of shutting some people out of my life for a while. I needed to be alone.
I prayed and admitted I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t. I have nothing left. Not even an infinitesimal amount of self-esteem. I consumed it all to reach that far and for that period of time, all I had was anger. Storm in the movie X-men II said it, “Sometimes anger can help you survive”. But it’s also true what Nightcrawler replied, “… so can faith”.
For almost a year, I made all the decisions and allowed myself to drown. I was a total wreck. I depended on myself and went with what seems to be safe because I was scared. Little did I know that it only takes one courageous step to let go and let God do it all for me.
One morning on the month of April, I woke up fully decided that I’d stop and walk the other way. And I did.
Four days after letting go, I was blessed with people who helped heal my broken soul. Days passed and the feeling I had was overwhelming. So wonderful that it can bring me to tears. It was too much I can’t even hold it with my two hands. It was amazing. What I’m saying now can’t describe even a quarter of what I felt then.
It’s been a week after my birthday, and today, I would like to take the chance to acknowledge every person who shared this wonderful journey to betterment. To each one of you who understood all my temperaments, mood swings and drama, thank you…
1. … you went here in Manila last February. I was ecstatic when I heard about it. You
haven’t changed. You still are the best friend I had who left a couple of years ago. For the short time you stayed here, I learned a lot and I learned how to look up and fight for my right. You always had a way of making me realize my worth. I didn’t accompany you when you went to the airport. We both agreed it’s better that way. It feels like it’s the first time that you’ll be leaving even if it wasn’t. Thank you for your unconditional love and friendship. Thank you kehl…
2. … I know you’ve got something on your mind but decided to just keep it. thank you for making me realize that there are things I should consider in making decisions and that there are things that shouldn’t be ignored. Thank you josh…
3. … “love yourself” you always say. “Things will get better”, was always your
conclusion. We don’t get to see each other as often as we do before. Can’t even visit you ‘coz you’re always out of town. Yet no matter where you go, you always made me feel that I’ve got somebody to run to and release all those emotional garbage. Thank you so much sis basy …
4. … you are a war freak hahaha wish you were here in Manila. Things could have
gotten more chaotic… but fun. Thanks bertrand…
5. … it’s been a long time since I last saw you and meeting you again that night was great. And so were the days and months that succeeded. You’ve been a great bro and friend. You’ve always encouraged me to be happy and enjoy what I have. “Enjoy the moment”, you always remind me. That’s why until now, I still miss the early meetings, coffee, lunch, movies, NSG dinner, talking for hours on the cellphone, and sending messages about big events and even about the simplest thing that happens to us everyday, etc. Jeez…. I can name them all. You’re right, there is a reason why we’ve met again... You’ve been a great help. Thank you for always being there, thank you for taking the risk, and thank you for staying. Until now, I still wanna give the hug I’ve always wanted to give you. But I can’t. But as we said before, it doesn’t have to happen. It’s enough that we know. And maybe at some point in time, in a place where things like that is not an issue, it may happen. I can finally give it to you. Merci, popo…
6. … the first time I met you, I thought you’re a cool guy. I mean you do know how to talk. If you get what I mean. You’re nice and I think things would have gotten better if only… umm…. You didn’t feel that way…. that early. Not that it’s wrong but unfortunately, you weren’t able to handle it. But that’s ok. I’m glad we’re still friends. Even for a short time you’ve been a big help. Thank you for frequently checking if I’ve eaten my lunch. It was really cool. Take it easy skider…
7. … you bore listening to my rants for so many months, enjoyed coffee with me even if caffeine can almost kill you and listened to my I’m-so-sorry-pero-thank-you-ha narrations. I was blessed by your friendship. I treat you like a real sis and thank you too for being that candid about your comments regarding those incidents. Thanks for making me feel it was ok to feel that way. Nasan siya? Nasa nose? Hahaha joke! Thanks Jane R. (nice code. How’s tarzan? Hihihi)
8. … until now, I still can’t believe you sang that song in front of me. And until now I’m still trying to fathom what you told me about that love thingie. Hope you find the girl you’ve been looking for (hay… sometimes you’re looking, sometimes you’re not). Kinda difficult to find such a girl man! But who knows? Pray harder, she might just fall in your arms. Thank you for accompanying me to watch a teeny movie hahaha thanks Mr. Separate Lives…
9. … you amazed me. “Let’s watch this movie… let’s watch that movie…” I know you don’t really feel like sitting in a cinema and watching some of those movies. But you did… for me. You took the time to drive all the way from QC or Ortigas just to treat me for lunch. Of course, with a main goal of forcing me to eat. You saw how I cried and laugh at the same time. It was weird but it feels good. You were there when they left even if you admitted it was excruciatingly difficult. I know that I can be so insensitive at times that I ask you questions I didn’t even care how you would feel. But you always understood because you do know I mean no harm. They have always been innocent question. Smile always Arn…
10. … my goodness… you always find a way to surprise me. We’ve been friends for 5 years and you haven’t changed a bit. Wait… I’ll take that back. You still are the sweet and kulit friend I had before. You just became more… umm… adventurous? Busy with girls? Bold? Errr… and your cellphone calls have lessen hahaha talk about 3-6 hour cellphone calls in a day! Sometimes 2-4 times in a day and 3-4 times a week! Nice. I appreciate all your effort of in cheering me up during those times I needed a lift. Thanks a bunch bestie bluestain…
My hug also goes out to charms, choco, tish, paparazzi, dinosauser, ian, lanie, tita doc, tita lyn, arrowhead, mikey, ryan, arkaell, chinito, vani, vince, jodie, glitchy, notorious-bird and to everyone who has always been there no matter where they are. Mwah! Lav yah all!
I took the time to ponder (which I think I haven’t done for quite some time) how my life has been for the past year. It wasn’t that difficult to remember the events. Either nothing much has happened or a lot of things happened but everything’s almost the same. Or probably it’s true what some friends of mine were saying… I somehow have a good memory.
Last year, during my birthday, I wished for nothing else except for strength to endure every burden I was going through. It was the time that things got darker than usual and I tried to convince myself that everything that had happened was just a dream… a very bad dream. But it wasn’t. It was all true. It was all real.
When the month of January came, things started to get clearer. More events occurred that slapped me and shaked me to consciousness. It was the time when it seems like almost every week, I was served with heart-wrenching scenarios and news.
I felt then that what I knew, what I’ve witnessed and what I’ve experienced were enough. I admit, I fell. Then things became hazy. When I gained my consciousness, the sounds were hurting my ears and what I saw was more than what I can manage to take. So I decided to take the risk of shutting some people out of my life for a while. I needed to be alone.
I prayed and admitted I can’t take it anymore. I just can’t. I have nothing left. Not even an infinitesimal amount of self-esteem. I consumed it all to reach that far and for that period of time, all I had was anger. Storm in the movie X-men II said it, “Sometimes anger can help you survive”. But it’s also true what Nightcrawler replied, “… so can faith”.
For almost a year, I made all the decisions and allowed myself to drown. I was a total wreck. I depended on myself and went with what seems to be safe because I was scared. Little did I know that it only takes one courageous step to let go and let God do it all for me.
One morning on the month of April, I woke up fully decided that I’d stop and walk the other way. And I did.
Four days after letting go, I was blessed with people who helped heal my broken soul. Days passed and the feeling I had was overwhelming. So wonderful that it can bring me to tears. It was too much I can’t even hold it with my two hands. It was amazing. What I’m saying now can’t describe even a quarter of what I felt then.
It’s been a week after my birthday, and today, I would like to take the chance to acknowledge every person who shared this wonderful journey to betterment. To each one of you who understood all my temperaments, mood swings and drama, thank you…
1. … you went here in Manila last February. I was ecstatic when I heard about it. You
haven’t changed. You still are the best friend I had who left a couple of years ago. For the short time you stayed here, I learned a lot and I learned how to look up and fight for my right. You always had a way of making me realize my worth. I didn’t accompany you when you went to the airport. We both agreed it’s better that way. It feels like it’s the first time that you’ll be leaving even if it wasn’t. Thank you for your unconditional love and friendship. Thank you kehl…
2. … I know you’ve got something on your mind but decided to just keep it. thank you for making me realize that there are things I should consider in making decisions and that there are things that shouldn’t be ignored. Thank you josh…
3. … “love yourself” you always say. “Things will get better”, was always your
conclusion. We don’t get to see each other as often as we do before. Can’t even visit you ‘coz you’re always out of town. Yet no matter where you go, you always made me feel that I’ve got somebody to run to and release all those emotional garbage. Thank you so much sis basy …
4. … you are a war freak hahaha wish you were here in Manila. Things could have
gotten more chaotic… but fun. Thanks bertrand…
5. … it’s been a long time since I last saw you and meeting you again that night was great. And so were the days and months that succeeded. You’ve been a great bro and friend. You’ve always encouraged me to be happy and enjoy what I have. “Enjoy the moment”, you always remind me. That’s why until now, I still miss the early meetings, coffee, lunch, movies, NSG dinner, talking for hours on the cellphone, and sending messages about big events and even about the simplest thing that happens to us everyday, etc. Jeez…. I can name them all. You’re right, there is a reason why we’ve met again... You’ve been a great help. Thank you for always being there, thank you for taking the risk, and thank you for staying. Until now, I still wanna give the hug I’ve always wanted to give you. But I can’t. But as we said before, it doesn’t have to happen. It’s enough that we know. And maybe at some point in time, in a place where things like that is not an issue, it may happen. I can finally give it to you. Merci, popo…
6. … the first time I met you, I thought you’re a cool guy. I mean you do know how to talk. If you get what I mean. You’re nice and I think things would have gotten better if only… umm…. You didn’t feel that way…. that early. Not that it’s wrong but unfortunately, you weren’t able to handle it. But that’s ok. I’m glad we’re still friends. Even for a short time you’ve been a big help. Thank you for frequently checking if I’ve eaten my lunch. It was really cool. Take it easy skider…
7. … you bore listening to my rants for so many months, enjoyed coffee with me even if caffeine can almost kill you and listened to my I’m-so-sorry-pero-thank-you-ha narrations. I was blessed by your friendship. I treat you like a real sis and thank you too for being that candid about your comments regarding those incidents. Thanks for making me feel it was ok to feel that way. Nasan siya? Nasa nose? Hahaha joke! Thanks Jane R. (nice code. How’s tarzan? Hihihi)
8. … until now, I still can’t believe you sang that song in front of me. And until now I’m still trying to fathom what you told me about that love thingie. Hope you find the girl you’ve been looking for (hay… sometimes you’re looking, sometimes you’re not). Kinda difficult to find such a girl man! But who knows? Pray harder, she might just fall in your arms. Thank you for accompanying me to watch a teeny movie hahaha thanks Mr. Separate Lives…
9. … you amazed me. “Let’s watch this movie… let’s watch that movie…” I know you don’t really feel like sitting in a cinema and watching some of those movies. But you did… for me. You took the time to drive all the way from QC or Ortigas just to treat me for lunch. Of course, with a main goal of forcing me to eat. You saw how I cried and laugh at the same time. It was weird but it feels good. You were there when they left even if you admitted it was excruciatingly difficult. I know that I can be so insensitive at times that I ask you questions I didn’t even care how you would feel. But you always understood because you do know I mean no harm. They have always been innocent question. Smile always Arn…
10. … my goodness… you always find a way to surprise me. We’ve been friends for 5 years and you haven’t changed a bit. Wait… I’ll take that back. You still are the sweet and kulit friend I had before. You just became more… umm… adventurous? Busy with girls? Bold? Errr… and your cellphone calls have lessen hahaha talk about 3-6 hour cellphone calls in a day! Sometimes 2-4 times in a day and 3-4 times a week! Nice. I appreciate all your effort of in cheering me up during those times I needed a lift. Thanks a bunch bestie bluestain…
My hug also goes out to charms, choco, tish, paparazzi, dinosauser, ian, lanie, tita doc, tita lyn, arrowhead, mikey, ryan, arkaell, chinito, vani, vince, jodie, glitchy, notorious-bird and to everyone who has always been there no matter where they are. Mwah! Lav yah all!
belated happy birthday :) grown up ka na pero pretty pa rin :) at least gone are the days na nagtatago ka sa mga boylets mo. remember when we were in elementary? natatawa talaga ako sa iyo nun. ngayon, hindi ka na ganun.
ReplyDeletebungisngis ka pa rin at napaka-charming. it was really nice seeing you last week. smile ka lagi.
enya
we're happy that you are finally ok now. we hope that you learned a lot from your experience and from the guys that arrived when you became free. yes may lesson dun. you can have someone like --- diba? smile ka lang lagi and pahabain mo lang hair mo
ReplyDelete=tish=
i've been reading your blog for months now and you know i don't post my comments. i tell it to you through texts or phone calls and sometimes when we get the chance to see each other. but i'll make this one an exception.
ReplyDeletebilib ako sa iyo. i still believe that you're one tough girl kahit na madalas ka umiiyak sa galit. i know that things will get better. sobrang blessed ka. lagi namin yang sinasabi sa iyo. and we believe that you are so blessed because you've blessed a lot of people.
to everyone who's reading cha's blog, i'd like to share something. during the time when she was "unavailable", i was able to witness how loyal she can be. i was a witness to all those deadly temptations pero you managed to stay where you are. even during the time na hindi na ok, sobrang loyal mo pa rin. lagi mo lang kasing iniisp ang welfare niya. i knew a number of guys who invited you out pero you turned them down kasi sabi mo hindi maganda. sabi mo hindi magandang dahilan na hurting ka kaya ka sasama sa kanila.
after all those and a whole lot more, nasakatan ka pa rin. kahit na harsh words na yung tinapon sa iyo, you never fought back. dumating na nga yung time na we wanted to handle things by ourselves kasi nagalit kami nun. but you stopped us. instead we just supported you with your decision.
now, you've gone a long way and we're happy and proud.
keep your head up. ika nga ng mom ko "masyadong special si cha para patulan yung mga tao na yun". you've exerted much, you don't have to exert more lalo na pag hindi worth it.
para naman dun sa question mo last night, same din ang answer ko, don't exert much, hindi worth it.
don't think too much about it. sa dami ng reserve mo (may bago pa ngayon), you don't need to waste your time with those kinds of people. you're special.
chuck and cheese
tama si chuck and cheese, isa ka na sa mga pinaka-loyal na girl na nakilala ko. unfortunately, iba naging kapalit nun. nakakalungkot pero nangyari na yun. at least, you're better than before.
ReplyDeletenow you know kung ano yung kalokohan namin nina chuck. we're really sorry. you proved a lot to us. we felt then that "he" would be good for you. pero wala ka nang ibang sinabi kundi love mo si ... yet, you got hurt pa rin.
but let's forget that. you're back and that's what's important.
me
ms. hopeless romantic, sana always "september" sayo and "december" sa kin...miss you sister, coffee, lunch, dinner and movie tayo next week (free na ko!) :)
ReplyDelete