Driving at 90kph at South Luzon Expressway last Monday morning en route to meet somebody, after I fetched my mom to her office in Laguna, was one of those rare times I felt so emotionally unobstructed. Still suffering from headache and slight fever, I managed to convince my mother that I can use the wheels. It must have been a very good acting and an astounding eloquence that I persuaded her to believe I was perfectly fine.
With that velocity, I was never concerned if some policemen would follow my vehicle and ask me to stop for over speeding. I didn't care. My mind was somewhere else and the sound of Slapshock's F*ck You on my player was the only thing that reminded me I was driving. Besides, I didn't notice I stepped on the gas a bit harder forgetting that the car has a 1.8-liter engine. I only slowed down when traffic started as I approached Southwoods' exit.
Too much angst in the music I'm listening to might have suffocated my brain. Excessive watching of Grim and Evil might have caused me to lose my ability to distinguish right from wrong. Immoderate amount of mushy songs might have fractured my perception and sensitivity because of too much nostalgia. Check… check… check… it's really not working. I have to feel something. I can't accept I lost my self. Have I really broken down? If yes, how? Was it the music, the cartoon, the songs…. or could the culprit be the chewable candies in my bag?
One candy at a time. That was the rule. I don't eat that kind of candy that's why I hesitated the first time. The lady said it's worth a try. So I did. Jeez.. it tasted so good. "One at a time" I kept reminding my self. But I failed.
You see, I woke up one morning, feeling different about my sphere. Still, I went on. Now, I act the way people do, think the way they do, and speak the way they do. It feels different but I got the hang of it. I don't have a say anymore. What others utter, I accept. What others think, I accept. What others give, I accept. I just want peace. No arguments. No discussions. No…. "me".
The "me" only exists when I eat those chewable candies. It breaks the cage I'm in. It allows me to do what I want to do and feel what I want to feel. It gives me a grip of what's real. With it, my brain can think clearly. I can distinguish right from wrong and I recognize my emotions. But one candy was not enough so I tried to consume two at a time. The feeling was overwhelming so I violated the rule. I thought one was not enough.
However, time came when two pieces of chewable candies were not sufficient to bring me back to my world. The amount was not enough to make me feel real. I continued eating those candies even if they still made me feel… nothing. Even if consuming them would be like consuming marshmallows, they just suddenly disappear in your mouth after a couple of seconds giving you nothing but air. In short, I continued eating those candies even if they don't make any difference at all. The sphere sucked my blood little by little until the chewable candies were not enough to bring back all that I've lost…
When I reached my destination, I went to the lady and gave back those chewable candies that accompanied me in my world even until 3 in the morning. She took the candies from my hand for I found it hard to let go of them.
That night, as I scrounge my bag looking for my hair clip, I found one chewable candy in the pocket of my bag. I took it and brought it to bed. I fell asleep holding it with my right hand. I won't eat it. Not anymore.
With that velocity, I was never concerned if some policemen would follow my vehicle and ask me to stop for over speeding. I didn't care. My mind was somewhere else and the sound of Slapshock's F*ck You on my player was the only thing that reminded me I was driving. Besides, I didn't notice I stepped on the gas a bit harder forgetting that the car has a 1.8-liter engine. I only slowed down when traffic started as I approached Southwoods' exit.
Too much angst in the music I'm listening to might have suffocated my brain. Excessive watching of Grim and Evil might have caused me to lose my ability to distinguish right from wrong. Immoderate amount of mushy songs might have fractured my perception and sensitivity because of too much nostalgia. Check… check… check… it's really not working. I have to feel something. I can't accept I lost my self. Have I really broken down? If yes, how? Was it the music, the cartoon, the songs…. or could the culprit be the chewable candies in my bag?
One candy at a time. That was the rule. I don't eat that kind of candy that's why I hesitated the first time. The lady said it's worth a try. So I did. Jeez.. it tasted so good. "One at a time" I kept reminding my self. But I failed.
You see, I woke up one morning, feeling different about my sphere. Still, I went on. Now, I act the way people do, think the way they do, and speak the way they do. It feels different but I got the hang of it. I don't have a say anymore. What others utter, I accept. What others think, I accept. What others give, I accept. I just want peace. No arguments. No discussions. No…. "me".
The "me" only exists when I eat those chewable candies. It breaks the cage I'm in. It allows me to do what I want to do and feel what I want to feel. It gives me a grip of what's real. With it, my brain can think clearly. I can distinguish right from wrong and I recognize my emotions. But one candy was not enough so I tried to consume two at a time. The feeling was overwhelming so I violated the rule. I thought one was not enough.
However, time came when two pieces of chewable candies were not sufficient to bring me back to my world. The amount was not enough to make me feel real. I continued eating those candies even if they still made me feel… nothing. Even if consuming them would be like consuming marshmallows, they just suddenly disappear in your mouth after a couple of seconds giving you nothing but air. In short, I continued eating those candies even if they don't make any difference at all. The sphere sucked my blood little by little until the chewable candies were not enough to bring back all that I've lost…
When I reached my destination, I went to the lady and gave back those chewable candies that accompanied me in my world even until 3 in the morning. She took the candies from my hand for I found it hard to let go of them.
That night, as I scrounge my bag looking for my hair clip, I found one chewable candy in the pocket of my bag. I took it and brought it to bed. I fell asleep holding it with my right hand. I won't eat it. Not anymore.
chewable candies? :)
ReplyDeletebasy
which chewable candies? :)
ReplyDelete-vani
they are my personal chewable candies :D made, just for me :)
ReplyDelete