Hi. It’s been a while since our last conversation. How’s life? It’s been almost 2 months since I last saw you. Hopefully things are doin’ great, like it has always been with you. I know you’re busy with so many things for the past months.
Umm… I don’t really know how to say what I feel. I’m not very good in verbalizing things lately. I’m used to thinking that certain things are just my imagination. And that maybe… as you always say…. I am paranoid. I don’t give much attention to what I think because surprisingly, for the past months, I’m always wrong.
I know that I’m not right coz you told me that what I feel and think is not really the case. And that’s perfectly fine. I’m not bothered the way I know I should be. Not that I don’t care about how I feel about my relationship with others, it’s just an automatic feeling that was probably set by my psychological aspect as a defense to disappointment.
I miss you. I haven’t told anybody about it. Now, I just did. You might say that if I really miss you, then how come I don’t do anything about it. I tried. Believe me I did. But whether I do something or not doesn’t make any difference. It still hurts. So where would I go?
I decided to just stay here because as I can clearly remember, the last time I asked you if there’s something wrong between the two of us, you told me there’s none. I felt that there is. But you just laughed and said “we’re ok”. So what else should I say?
Happy birthday. Whether it’s late or advance, I’d rather not say. I asked you how would I be able to give you this token I have for you, you answered, “hindi ko alam kelan uli tayo magkikita”. It’s not actually what you said but how you said it. But that’s fine. Really. Yet, I will not deny you shocked me when you said “siguro magkikita tayo pag nagpadespedida ka na”. Ouch. Big time.
I haven’t thought about "leaving" for the past month. You taught me how. you said "enjoy the moment". But now, I remember everything about it. But like the others, it’s ok.
I am so sorry. I’m so sorry for whatever fault I did. You always say “wala”. But please.. I’m so sorry for being stubborn. I’m so sorry for every disappointment I gave you. I’m so sorry for not being that person I am to you before. I’m so sorry for everything.
It’s my fault. I admit it. I didn’t take care of that gift God gave me. I didn’t take care of my relationship with you. I didn’t give enough thought that one day I might lose you. I didn’t think about it because I was scared. I was scared that it might happen. I was scared of the feeling.
You are such an amazing gift and I don’t want to think how it happened that I had you because it’s something I couldn’t fathom. But Papa Jesus gave you to me together with a number of people who has always been an angel to me.
Again I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.
You might just laugh about this and that’s ok.
And yes…. As I’ve expected, I still wouldn’t be able to verbalize everything. So sue me.
Umm… I don’t really know how to say what I feel. I’m not very good in verbalizing things lately. I’m used to thinking that certain things are just my imagination. And that maybe… as you always say…. I am paranoid. I don’t give much attention to what I think because surprisingly, for the past months, I’m always wrong.
I know that I’m not right coz you told me that what I feel and think is not really the case. And that’s perfectly fine. I’m not bothered the way I know I should be. Not that I don’t care about how I feel about my relationship with others, it’s just an automatic feeling that was probably set by my psychological aspect as a defense to disappointment.
I miss you. I haven’t told anybody about it. Now, I just did. You might say that if I really miss you, then how come I don’t do anything about it. I tried. Believe me I did. But whether I do something or not doesn’t make any difference. It still hurts. So where would I go?
I decided to just stay here because as I can clearly remember, the last time I asked you if there’s something wrong between the two of us, you told me there’s none. I felt that there is. But you just laughed and said “we’re ok”. So what else should I say?
Happy birthday. Whether it’s late or advance, I’d rather not say. I asked you how would I be able to give you this token I have for you, you answered, “hindi ko alam kelan uli tayo magkikita”. It’s not actually what you said but how you said it. But that’s fine. Really. Yet, I will not deny you shocked me when you said “siguro magkikita tayo pag nagpadespedida ka na”. Ouch. Big time.
I haven’t thought about "leaving" for the past month. You taught me how. you said "enjoy the moment". But now, I remember everything about it. But like the others, it’s ok.
I am so sorry. I’m so sorry for whatever fault I did. You always say “wala”. But please.. I’m so sorry for being stubborn. I’m so sorry for every disappointment I gave you. I’m so sorry for not being that person I am to you before. I’m so sorry for everything.
It’s my fault. I admit it. I didn’t take care of that gift God gave me. I didn’t take care of my relationship with you. I didn’t give enough thought that one day I might lose you. I didn’t think about it because I was scared. I was scared that it might happen. I was scared of the feeling.
You are such an amazing gift and I don’t want to think how it happened that I had you because it’s something I couldn’t fathom. But Papa Jesus gave you to me together with a number of people who has always been an angel to me.
Again I’m so sorry. Please forgive me.
You might just laugh about this and that’s ok.
And yes…. As I’ve expected, I still wouldn’t be able to verbalize everything. So sue me.
"...You don't need me any longer. You need to keep finding yourself, a little more each day, that real, unlimited Fletcher Seagull. He's your instructor. You need to understand him and to practice him."
ReplyDelete"...Don't believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you'll see the way to fly."
(these are excerpts from Jonathan Livingston Seagull by Richard Bach)
skl...
-you know who i am :)